The Rules of Living With Roy Harper
by edwardandbella4evah
Summary: Roy and Jade don't always see eye to eye, especially with the recent living arrangements. Set after "Bloodlines",


To say that Jade was happy to stay with Roy while he got his life back together, was a plain lie. Even in the state he was in, he had rules; rules which bugged her to absolutely no end. Jade was used to doing what she wanted, when she wanted, with little regard for others. She was also known to come and go, and never stay in one place for very long. After she'd had her daughter, this made traveling from place to place a little more difficult, but Lian liked to move.

Alas no, apparently, according to the archer that "isn't the way things work around here". She just wasn't allowed to disappear one night and then nonchalantly show up in bed at five in the morning. She had to have a reason for going out, one that didn't include the words "because I felt like it". Honest to god, Roy Harper would be the death of her.

Sure, it technically was his shoddy apartment-that she spruced up, for the record-but wasn't she the one who got him to get off his sorry ass in the first place? She was the one who forced him to eat her-burnt-eggs and toast every morning for a week before he'd finally had enough and started to cook again; she'd never tasted food so good, that night. She was also the one who payed the water, electricity, and TV bills so that he could shower and attempt to behave like a normal human being again. Again, she was the one who also set up a rigorous training schedule for him, allowing his muscles to mold back into their original shape. Not to mention she was also the one who literally cornered him in the bathroom until he agreed to shave and get a haircut.

But no.

A little freedom? Apparently that was way too much to ask for.

**Rule #1: She couldn't do her job on Roy's watch. **

She loathed this rule; it was a paying job. How else did he expect her to keep paying for their daughter, their food, and not to mention, his amenities in the home? She argued, hissed, threatened, even tried her hand at bribing, but to no avail. Even half-baked at best, he was still as stubborn as a goddamn rock.

Still, what he didn't know wouldn't hurt him. A day of training for him, meant a day of working for her. Until he caught her, that is.

**Rule #2: Never, if you value your sanity, leave dishes out anywhere except the cupboards. **

As it turns out, Roy was a complete neat-freak. She figured that being breed and raised in a Cadmus facility, where everything was completely sterile had something to do with it. Either that, or spending a number of years cleaning up after his drunk mentor. Whichever. No other normal boy was _this_ neat-and of course, he would retort that he wasn't a normal boy, he was a _clone_, and then the self-depreciating cycle would start all over again.

Jade, however, was anything but neat. She wasn't exactly a slob, but she liked eating on the couch, by the TV, and then abandoning the dishes for later. She also did not like to clean. The one time she indulged herself and left a single fork and plate on the coffee table, Roy went ballistic.

If only to never hear his nagging again, she always picked up her dishes. After which, of course, she piled them all around the kitchen in a beautiful display, dripping with all kinds of sauces and baby food.

**Rule #3: There is a time and place for everything.**

So maybe watching Vietnamese dramas late at night while Lian was sleeping in the crib beside her wasn't the smartest idea. Lian didn't seem too mind too much; she slept right through the blaring tongues blasting from the screen.

Roy wouldn't hear of it; apparently it was 'disrespectful' and would 'seep into Lian's subconscious', even though Jade hadn't even bothered to teach Lian Vietnamese.

**Rule #4: Any meal that didn't come from Roy's kitchen was forbidden. **

So maybe this was Jade's fault. She'd-temporarily!-installed this rule after opening the fridge on the first night and only finding a moldy orange and a box of cold, three days old Chinese noodles. After that she'd gone grocery shopping, but Roy apparently had made this rule permanent, as when Jade came home with a box of pizza, he'd thrown it away immediately, scolding that Lian couldn't eat pizza as it would damage her immune system and forever ruin the perfect metabolism she had going for her.

Jade tried to hide her smirk as she remembered the way Lian had gobbled down two cut-up slices of pizza the week before, and then-being the master detector of loopholes that she was-, said, "Fine. Then _you_ make all of Lian's baby food, if you won't let any food that you don't trust reach her lips. Surely there must be some hidden toxins in the gerber's recipe. Enjoy blending."

**Rule #5: If Jade wanted clean clothes, she would have to do the laundry herself.**

Jade didn't clean. Nope; she didn't sign up to become a maid, and wasn't about to anytime soon. But apparently, her husband decided it would be good for her if she learned how to do her own laundry instead of taking it down to the-very cheap-laundromat down the street. The first time she attempted doing so, she'd shrunk her favorite Kimono, and then turned half her bras pink.

Lian had to be kept far away from Jade that night, so that she wouldn't hear the endless string of curses that came out of her mouth.

The next time she did laundry, she did it with a happy grin on her face, as she turned all of her husband's boxers a bright pink.

**Rule #6: No going near the kitchen. **

Actually, Jade was fine with this one. Too many nights of burnt toast, spaghetti, chicken, eggs, and even cereal have lessened her desire to eat burnt-anything ever again. Coupled with the fact that she hated to clean dishes, counters, ovens, stoves, anything really, and Roy had just about shot an arrow at her the last time she tried to make dinner.

A housewife she was not, but she was more than happy to oblige to being a customer at Chez Harper.

Still, she quite enjoyed adding her two cents on her meals of preference, and didn't hesitate on sending one back to the kitchen if it didn't suit her tastes.

**Rule #7: She wasn't allowed to use her knives inside the house, or leave them anywhere in proximity.**

So according to Roy, knives were harmful to babies. Jade couldn't disagree more; Lian loved staring at the knives, and the fascinated her for many a minute. He hated when she left her knives out in the open, as Lian would take the first possible minute to toddle towards it with intention of playing.

..So maybe she saw his point.

But still, as long as she wasn't touching the knives, what was the real harm in letting her see them? Roy argued that he didn't want his daughter decapitated. Jade argued that there was no possible way that their daughter had enough strength to use the knives to decapitate herself, probably only enough to lacerate herself. Roy didn't buy it.

So she just left plastic, toy knives around instead for Lian to play with.

**Rule #8: No arguing around Lian.**

Roy and Jade didn't get along most of the time. As much as they were similar, they were even more different. They fought about almost everything, whether it be the food that they ate, the television that they watched, the way he held Lian, the way she was sometimes not as careful with Lian, and on, and on. But as soon as she was awake and alert, he had to drag her to another room if they wanted to continue to fight. Granted, she ended the fight by lunging at him and capturing his lips with her own, but still! There was no need to hide the fighting from their daughter.

Besides, what Roy didn't get was that their fighting actually calmed her and put her to sleep. Strange as it was, Jade liked it; it was genetic.

**Rule #9: No more bringing Lian on missions.**

Jade loved spending time with her daughter. Also, she didn't trust her with anyone else. So why shouldn't she be allowed to bring her daughter along? It wasn't like she was going to get hurt; she remained perfectly safe and sound at all times, cozy and snug inside that fuzzy little backpack.

But after the Speedy-Recon mission, he now had a firm belief that babies had no place on missions, unless they were rescuing them. And with their daughter's constant squeals of delight whenever her parents punched or kicked something, she gave away their cover quite easily. Jade agreed that was a flaw when bringing their daughter, but that was no reason to exclude her from the fun.

Besides, while she trusted her sister to take care of Lian, she wasn't so sure about the bombshell of a boyfriend she was living with.

This rule still remained debated.

And then there was the last rule...The rule that Jade deemed the most ridiculous.

**Rule #10: No sex while Lian was in the house.**

Which was _all the time_.

Sadly, he was a bit more strict with this rule than she'd expected.

However, this was the rule that Jade deemed the most breakable, as there had _certainly_ been more than one occasion where Lian had fallen asleep, and Jade was able to maneuver Roy to the bedroom-or floor, or couch, or whichever place that they made it to the quickest-with subtle touches and whispers of promises she actually intended to keep.

Truly, these rules were a pain in the ass.

However, they were not without good intention. One the one chance that Jade had asked him why so many rules, and why they were so strict towards her and Lian. Roy had shrugged, washing the dishes, and casually explained how she and Lian were the only things in life that were truly his. When she asked what he'd meant, he explained that everything else in his life belonged to Speedy, the 'Real Roy Harper'-she glared at him when he said that.

To him, Jade and Lian were the only two things that he could truly call his own, that had nothing to do with Speedy; and that made them even more sacred, as if they could break, or run away and leave him with nothing but cheated memories and a life stolen from a victim. To him, Jade and Lian were everything, because they were the only things that were a never a part of the 'Real Roy Harper'-Jade glared at him and he corrected himself, with 'Speedy'-and his life. Jade remained quiet afterwards, before saying that the rules were still ridiculous, because they'd never leave him. Well, at least Lian wouldn't. Jade wasn't too sure how long she could stick around.

At least she knew Lian would be in safe, albeit overprotective hands


End file.
